Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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