Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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