My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
