This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
