The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
