I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
