Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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