I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
