you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
