apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
