On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Welp...herpes.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
