His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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