Sacagawea was the original milf.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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