they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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