I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
