ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
