Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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