Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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