You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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