Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Is it penis luge time yet?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
