I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
