It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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