he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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