Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
