Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This show inspires me to have sex in space
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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