I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think my mom watched the whole time
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
