Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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