I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
