I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
