is wine microwaveable?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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