so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
