I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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