u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
