When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize