The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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