My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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