hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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