Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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