my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
