well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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