I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
