I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
nut hugger
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
