I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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