I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I still have a little drunk in my system
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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