How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
