Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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