when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
