hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
