if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
