i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
