I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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