Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
