my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize