i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
