I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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